We have been battling with infertility issues for about 5 years now, however I don’t think we realized it was a true battle until just this last year when we experienced our 4th misccairge and 3 right in a row. Then diagnosed with some un-curable issues. You can read our story below but before I want to touch on a couple things I feel passionate about. Although this isn’t the worst thing that could happen to someone and people may remind you of that, don’t ever discount how huge of heart wrenching burden this is to carry. For me it took a hit to my self-confidence, my physical body, relationships, my spirit, and our bank account. It’s hard for people who have not gone through this trial to understand how taxing it can be on a family on all front, especially your emotional/mental health.
How I have coped:
I think for most people this might be the hardest to tell friends/family of lost pregnancies or struggles to get pregnant. Maybe pick 1-5 people who you trust. As you can guess I decided to announce ours to the world and this is not for everyone. It can be so comforting to know you have people fighting with you, someone to call and cry to when you need to vent. It is not something to be ashamed of in any sense!
There are many Facebook groups and private Instagram groups that you can join. Strangers who are dealing with the same things can be awesome to connect with.
Allow your self to grieve! Losing a baby is truly the hardest thing I have had to go through. It doesn’t matter if it was 4,8,12 weeks; you are still losing what you thought your future would hold. You still don’t get to hold that baby you have been dreaming on in 9 months and that is HARD.
Don’t be afraid to feel all these emotions and validate them. Stuffing them down will most likely be more painful in the long run if not dealt with.
Remember grieving takes time, sometimes longer then you image. You might feel fine for weeks and then fall apart again and that’s okay. It usually takes me a couple months to feel “normal” again after each one.
Allow yourself some space if you need it. There are certain family members or friends that won’t know how to act around you or say insensitive things; maybe a pregnant sister or girlfriend. It’s okay to create some space for yourself while you heal. I always wanted to be invited to my friend’s baby showers but during hard times I would explain I couldn’t come but personally drop off or mail a give.
Find a routine
After my ectopic pregnancy, which was a very traumatic experience for me, I started seeing a therapist. I didn’t feel like myself, cried all the time, couldn’t sleep at night and was just angry. She helped me develop a routine just for me because I loved myself! I set goals to drink water, eat a little more balanced (no more meals of brownies!), 10 minutes of physical fitness, then at night I would listen to “calm” the app for 6 minutes to meditate right before bed. Yours could look different, but sit and think about things that can help you feel more like “you” and re-fresh your mind each day.
Remember it’s okay to be mad, upset, cry, go smash a couple cups from the dollar store (in a safe location), everyone grieves different but I have been all those things! Allow yourself to feel those emotions when needed. Then when you’re done with the angry write a note to this sweet baby you are dreaming of meeting one day. I have a drawer of things I’m collecting for my next miracle baby. Find what works for you!
“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable. But our Wholeness – even our whole heartedness’ – actually depends on the integration of all our experience including the falls.” – Brene Brown
I choose everyday to let all these hard experiences make me the person I am for the better and own our story along with its hardships!
Our whole fertility story from start to finish is long so I won't drag on with the details but I will attempt to be brief and share our history about the journey.
I had some undiagnosed chronic pain for about a year. We literally had zero idea where it was coming from after seeing many different doctors. I started to feel crazy and gave up on answers. We then started to try and have our first child, after 9 months we got pregnant then miscarried. We kept trying and another 8 months went by and we were still not pregnant. We started to do some minimal testing. We were then sent to a specialist in Utah (currently in Idaho at the time) after having my fallopian tubes flushes I was scheduled for exploratory surgery to find the cause of my chronic pain and fertility issues. As I was about to be wheeled back into the operating room the nurse ran in and announced I was pregnant. I thought maybe it was a sick joke. But she was serious and my husband and I both burst into tears. Since I was pregnant I had to stop taking my pain meds for my chronic pain and also had to quit my job to rest because the pain was so intense. Healthy baby girl born Dec. 2013
Dec. 2014 - we decided we better start trying for baby number two since we knew it was possible it could take us awhile. I met with my specialist before we started and amazingly got pregnant without help, then miscarried at 4 weeks 2 days. We tried again for a couple months, chronic pain getting much worse with each week. Did some fertility treatments and I was 100% sure I was pregnant but after 11 tests were all negative I finally decided my symptoms were from me being C R A Z Y! Which my husband reminds me is true! So we scheduled another surgery to find out what this terrible pain was, had a pre-op appointment did an ultrasound/blood work ect.
My doctor called me to cancel the surgery and announce I was pregnant. I bawled my face off and then explained something must be wrong because we just did an ultrasound and saw no baby and I should be 6.5 weeks by now. He told me I probably mis-calculated. 5 AM the next morning he calls me and my husband 6 times and texts us. (Such an amazing doctor!) He says "come to my office right away don't eat or drink". I was indeed 6.5 weeks pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy. I was rushed to the ER that morning to have a very extensive surgery where I was diagnosed with stage 3/4 endometriosis (my chronic pain for years!), polyps, and golf ball cysts.
After that surgery there had been a micro flec of placenta left in my fallopian tube and the placenta continued to grow, and fast. So they started giving me shots of chemo to kill the placenta. These shots made my stomach hurt, eating hurt, my body hurt, my mouth had blisters, I was exhausted and in pain still recovering from surgery. I seriously don't know how cancer patients do that for years. It breaks my heart! After two weeks of this one morning I woke up screaming in pain, we rushed in to see my doctor and again rushed to the ER where they removed my bursting infected placenta filled fallopian tube. So this now cuts my chances of natural pregnancy in half.
We had to wait 3 months for the chemo to leave my system and then we did another round of fertility treatments and got pregnant again. It felt so real. I felt sick; I felt everything a pregnant person should feel until week 6 and 2 days when I started to feel not pregnant. We had already announced to the world because I was so determined this baby would actually be ours here on earth. But at 6.5 weeks we found out the baby had stopped growing and died. At 8 weeks I had a D&C to surgically remove the pregnancy.
Where do we stand now? Endometriosis, recurring rapid pregnancy lost, one fallopian tube, polyps, and cysts; 5 pregnancies and only 1 baby. We feel devastated to be honest! We have done every test under the sun and spent thousands of dollars trying to get a healthy pregnancy. So we are saving up again, and for now we are enjoying our miracle baby and praying that one-day we can have a big family like we always dreamed.
It's become our mission to help other families going through this heart-wrenching journey. Help them financially but help their hearts, share their stories and help women feel less alone. Most people would never be so public about such a topic, but I just want people to know they are not alone! There is H O P E !
Come follow our journey:
The Golden Polka Dot Owner
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